Sorry friendos. I’ve been gone awhile. Life got a little hectic, which I will talk about in a separate post. This interview was done back in September with a fun friend of mine that I wish I saw more. She lives the life that she wants, and it works out for her quite well, which I’m a little jelly about. Veronica is married to her husband of — years and has kids, and she also dates women on the side that she meets online (which her husband is aware of). I ended up having a lot of questions for her, that just flowed after each answer was received. This interview also went pretty long, so I might break it up into two parts.
Me: Where do you meet your online dates?
Veronica: Craigslist. A friend dates from Craigslist and he told me “You go on Craigslist, and you go Men for Men and there’s pictures everywhere”. So I was like what? What’s this Craigslist? So I went on and saw Men for Men, and then was like, oh there’s a Women for Women and then there’s Casual Encounters, and then there’s Men for Women for Men, and you can get all sorts of combinations. So that’s where I first realized, wow, okay, it’s all right here.
Me: Do you think the majority of women can be in casual relationships?
Veronica: I don’t know if women can be as casual as they think they want to be. I could be wrong. Whenever I’m looking for a woman, it’s always…I call it ongoing friends with benefits.
Me: Do you feel like you can be casual?
Veronica: I probably could be, but I think with women part of the attraction is personality as well. It’s opposed to picking up a girl at the bar and hooking up that way, but when am I going to get to a bar? And I can’t really keep it on the down low at a bar. Of course, I need to keep it on the down low. If people knew…and again, it’s not necessarily me. I don’t care if people know. It’s not any of their business, but I’ll do what I want. It’s just because of my kids and my husband and stuff like that. They didn’t really sign up for it.
Me: Do your kids know?
Veronica: Oh, absolutely not. I don’t know if they’ll ever know, in the long run. Maybe they’ll figure it out. Right now, I’ll just say, oh yeah, I’m going to go hang out with my lady friend.
Me: How long ago did you start going on Craigslist?
Veronica: Seven years ago. It evolved, because as a lot of married people do, you end up talking about having threesomes. I think that would be way more difficult to find.
Me: Yeah. Well there’s 3nder now, that app, like Tinder but for threesomes.
Veronica: Yeah, and then you have to both like the person and both find them attractive. And then it just evolved and I decided that this was something I want to do on my own. Before I met him, I did date women a little bit, but I thought once I got married and had kids, that’s going to cure all that. <we both laugh> Soo, yeah! I put out an ad, and I answered some ads.
Me: So you talked about it with him at that time, when you started putting ads out.
Veronica: Yeah, I said that this was something I wanted to pursue on my own. And he was like, what? He was pretty accepting of the idea. I think he kind of knew. Ish. Maybe. But that itself has been such a long road. Getting to a place where we are at now. He still 100% wishes I didn’t. Sometimes you read these ads where they’re like, my man is supportive of whatever I want to do, and I’m like, well my man just tolerates it. Cause he kinda knows it’s just going to happen anyway.
Me: I feel like unless you’re in a relationship where you’re both polyamorous, one person is going to have hurt feelings or jealous or emotional…something.
Veronica: Oh, for sure. And the only way I can kind of justify that is yeah, I’m purposely hurting him, which I don’t want to do, but for me it’s two different things. Like there’s no way I’ll ever meet a women where I’d say to him, you’re out of here, I want this lady. It’s never going to happen. But yeah. He just wants me. He just wants me to be it. And I’m like, not from my point of view.
Me: Do you find it’s hard to juggle? It’s pretty much two different lives, right?
Veronica: Not really. Usually the people I’m involved with know about my family.
Me: Yeah. I mean, just finding the time has to be hard.
Veronica: The time…I don’t really have friends. <laughing> So it’s not like I’m out three or four nights anyways, or gone quite a bit. So when I do see the people, it might be once every two weeks. A lot of communication is just through texting.
Me: Oh wow. Two weeks seems like a long time to not see someone.
Veronica: It is, but they also have their own life too.
Me: Ohh yeah.
Veronica: I’ve dated some single women, and that just didn’t work out. They just didn’t get that I couldn’t spend all my time with them. And my husband and I came up with rules. Like there’s certain rules that must be abided by. They have to have a partner of some sort, male or female, doesn’t matter. And they just have to have their own thing going.
Me: I’m guessing these rules just evolved over time?
Veronica: Oh they did! Cause you don’t know what’s going to offend you until it happens.
Me: Does he meet them?
Veronica: He’s only met one, and that was a couple years back. I met this woman that wanted our lives to be more integrated, and I was like okay! I met her husband and she met my husband, but that one only lasted about four months because she ended up getting a divorce. Her husband allowed her to be in a relationship with a woman if he could be in a relationship with a woman. To me that’s two separate things. Like if he wanted to be in a relationship with a man, that kind of makes sense, but that’s just my personal opinion. There’s lots of people who would definitely disagree with it.
I think that this is something that I’m always going to do though. My husband might disagree, but I feel like it’s made our relationship stronger. And I like having that intimate female presence in my life. I find I don’t trust a lot of women, so when you get into these types of relationships, there’s a lot of trust instantly.
Me: I agree, I think I’m kind of the same. I only have a select few close friends because I don’t trust people right away and I put up a wall, but if I’m in a relationship, even if it’s newish and I know that it’s going somewhere, I don’t seem to have any trust issues with them.
Veronica: Yeah, and I think too, as we get older, we pretty much know right away if this person is a good person. Like, okay, you talk about your friends behind their backs, so pretty sure you’re going to talk about me.
And I don’t know if I’m going to date someone long term…I don’t know. The longest I’ve dated someone was a year. It just seems like a series of shorter, like three to four months, and that gives you a timeframe of whether you’re going to like this person long term.
Me: Do you find that you don’t really take those relationships seriously?
Veronica: No, I do. I’m very respectful of their situations. I’m respectful of the person and I’m honoured that they trust me. These types of relationships are called primary and secondary. So primary is your spouse, and whoever these other people are, they’re your secondary relationship.
Ay Chihuahua is located in South Surrey, on 152 street across from the Semiahmoo mall, near the dividing line into White Rock. It’s a fairly new, smaller place that’s cute inside, where you order at the front and pick your food up at the end, kind of like Starbucks. I got the burrito with a mix of red and green salsa on top, and soy meat, veggies, beans and rice inside. It was pretty good, and it was a healthy size, but I found it had a bit too much veggies (mostly just peppers) and not enough of the other fillings. I’m not a huge peppers fan and I found it to be overkill. The seasoning and the sauces were delicious though. Veronica had the tamales, which she hadn’t tried before, but was talked into by the owner who was very nice and accommodating. She said they were a little doughy, and not enough veggie filling. Probably we should’ve switched plates.